On principle, Ak has never been one to do that thing that starts with a d where you exercise more and eat less in a calculated effort to lose weight. Ak liked to think that shedding pounds should only be about health and wellness. Since Ak was healthy and well, she insisted that her pear shape was just fine the way it was.
“Fuck a scale!” said Ak.
Even when her shape would come up in the form of backhanded compliments (“Now you got some hips, girl!”) or straight-up criticism (“Hey Love, are you bloated?), Ak let it ride. She wasn’t going to let soul-killing messages of the Diet Industrial Complex distract her from more important things like paying bills and prancing in front of the mirror in drawers and high heels. Throughout her 20s, Ak’s plan worked. When she ate healthily and exercised enough, she was content. It didn’t hurt that she could do unspeakable things with Doritos, chocolate and pasta without obvious repercussions.
But just after 30, when Ak suddenly became what a dirty South suitor called “nice” (translation: not skinny, not thuck, just nice), she started secretly obsessing about being thinner.
By day she’d slip phrases like “anti-woman White supremacist beauty standards” and “psychological warfare” into casual conversation. By night she’d stomp the floor to count the jiggles. Most important, she’d stay off the scale. “Motherfuck a scale!” Ak would say, albeit weakly.
Now Ak has an official reason to obsess. Two days ago, at a much-delayed trip to the doctor, Ak discovered that:
-Her clothes are not actually shrinking in the dryer every single week.
-Clothes that were once fitted look porny because she’s gained 15 pounds in the last four years.
So Ak is on a diet. The Man has won.
For now her plan is to lose the extra padding without major deprivation. She’s going to start by saying no to the free snackfoods she eats out of boredom at work, avoiding all things Frito Lay, going to gym more than once a week, and eating fruit when she really just wants some Lemonheads. She’s also going to drink more water, and blah, blah–all that healthy stuff.
If you have any non-deprivation tips, do tell. Ak is lazy by nature, so don’t bring up shit like spinning, marathons or South Beach. And don’t be mean.