There. I said it.

From Ak:

My grandmother has lung cancer that will probably kill her in three to six months. The world is not OK for me right now.

There. I said it.

I’m digging this dude who is really unavailable. He’s compelling enough to make me feel vulnerable. Then angry. Then needy. Then really, really happy. Then scared. Then happy again.

There. I said it.

I’m disappointed in Obama’s first 100 days. The fucking Manhattan flyover, the UN Conference on Racism boycott, the release of the torture memos without the attendant indictments of the motherfuckers who OK’d waterboarding human beings 266 times has made me feel cranky as hell about canvassing for change.

There. I said it.

I saw Sarita “Mississippi Masala” Chaudry on the F train this morning. She’s striking in person. So I stared at her like a stan…until I started picking her appearance apart like the beeyotch who has spent way too much time working at magazines and therefore objectifying myself and others. I saw wrinkles and felt sad. I saw beauty and felt powerful. I wondered what she was working on and felt newsy. Then I felt like a wearout for being so judgmental of her and the whole sighting.

There. I said it.

I’ve had writers block for about a year and I hate writing for free.

There. I said it.

I went shopping for jeans and short sleeve shirts today and didn’t find a single thing that made me feel OK about my body. I know that all comes from inside. Blah, blah, blah. But fuck if manufacturers aren’t trying to make women who weigh more than 90 pounds feel like little piles of dooky. It’s a conspiracy. It just is.

There. I said it.

And I have more to say, but I need to stop. This bad spoken wordish post (“I’m scared to raise a Black sooonnnnn!”) is ruining my self perception as a writer who writes things with some kind of relevance to other people.

Signing off, now that I’ve said it.

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13 Comments

Filed under Randomness, subway, Uncategorized

13 responses to “There. I said it.

  1. Tarana

    it’s weird with blogs because on days like this if almost feels like peeking into your diary…but really one woman’s diary is another’s therapy, so thanks for “saying it”.

  2. Ann-Marie

    what Tarana said: thanks!

  3. serenakim

    I agree. Thank you! I’m reading, absorbing, emoting. And I’m NOT disappointed with Obama’s 100 days.

  4. KillaHills

    I feel you…my thoughts: that dude sounds like he’s the wackness, I see Sarita alot in BK and she always has on those dusty brown shoes and i’m always asking why, lol. I’m sorry about your granny- she’s in my prayers.

    otherwise: I sooooooooooooooo relate to this day. and I love reading anything you write!

    signed, your stan fo’ life:

    hills

  5. Ericka Blount Danois

    i love it. i am pissed and feel the same about all of the same things. lol!! except your grandma. Sorry to hear about her!!
    btw, why cant the US embrace socialism since its so clear capitalism isnt working? It’s okay, Obama owns this joint now. Doesn’t he realize that?

  6. I’m admiring your courage. It’s not always easy to share what’s in our head. If that didn’t help you, it helped me. So, thank you. And, I’m keeping you and your grandma on my prayer list.

    Oh, and that “photo op” flyover was lame…need more people.

  7. smallmediumlarge

    y’all are divine. thank you for reading and supporting. for real, thank you.

  8. A beautiful post. You are a smart, beautiful and funny woman and if your dude is too unavailable to see that, then he sounds like a blind idiot.

    Keep smiling and writing. I haven’t noticed any writer’s block.

  9. word, yo. esp: “You are a smart, beautiful and funny woman and if your dude is too unavailable to see that, then he sounds like a blind idiot.”

  10. Doria

    Poignant. Thanks.

  11. You’re just dope. Miss you.

    Your grandmother is in my prayers.

  12. Penny

    Four months late but all I can say is, “Wow” as in “wow” to the delightful way your brain works and “wow” to your enchanting honesty. Where can I read more?

  13. Aliya S. King

    Five months late. And needing an update.

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